A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her father asked the young man into his study for a chat.
"So, what are your plans?" The Father said.

"I'm a theology scholar," the young man replied.

"Admirable," the father said, "but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"

"I will study and God will provide," the young man explained.

"And how will you afford to raise children?", The Father asked.

"God will provide.", said the young man.

The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?"

"Very well; I like him. He has no money or employment plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."

Love one another

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said,
"Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Like Mrs. Beamish's facial expression... As we know, there is always a "church gossiper".. which leads to a certain Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. ...... George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. ....... Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup truck in front of Mildred's house.........and left it there all night.

Here's one about 2 brothers... There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. ..... Then, their pastor retired, and a new one came in. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church members grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new building. ...... All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. ...... The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "But, compared to his brother, he was a SAINT."

A man stopped by the local church to talk to the Pastor. He told the Pastor, "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work." The Pastor told him, "That was a terrible thing to do." The man replied, "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" The Pastor replied, "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." The man replied, "I tried to give it back but he refused it". The Pastor told him "In that case you can keep the turkey." The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way. When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen!

Mrs. Beamish stands in church, expression calm and holy,
And when the organ plays, she mumbles hymns extremely slowly.
A pillar of St Botolph's for twenty years or more,
She does the flowers at Easter, and the brasswork on the door.
But recently St Botolph's has gained a brand new vicar
His name is Ken, he's single, and he wants the hymns sung quicker.
And he's introduced a custom that Mrs. Beamish hates,
So she rounds upon the person standing next to her and clearly states-
"Don't you dare shake hands with me, or offer signs of peace,
You lay a finger on me and I'll send for the police.
Don't whisper "peace be with you" -this is the C of E.
So bend the knee, say thou and thee, and keep your hands off me."
Ken tells us love your neighbour, and Mrs. Beamish sneers,
"I only love my neighbours if I've known them thirty years."
Even when it isn't Christmas, he lets youngsters in the Church,
And he's altered all the music, after audience research.
They shout out alleluia, they don't act like me and you,
The young women don't wear hats, and the young men often do.
And they seem to let their hands enthusiastically run
Till they turn to Mrs. Beamish, and they feel her acid tongue.
"Don't you dare shake hands with me, I don't know where you've been,
You lay a finger on me and you'll feel this tambourine.
Don't whisper "peace be with you", this is the C of E.
So bend the knee, say thou and thee, and keep your hands off me."
And all around her now, there's miles and miles of wire,
With mikes, and speakers, sound desks, and other things quite dire.
The organ's gone for scrap, it's now drums, guitars and wind,
And Mrs. Beamish seethes, for she's certain that they've sinned.
"Don't you dare shake hands with me, or turn to me and smile,
Or you'll wake up spitting teeth out, face downwards in the aisle.
You go one inch too far, and you'll be wearing your guitar,
Take one step in my direction, and you'll need a resurrection.
So don't whisper "peace be with you", this is the C of E
Just bend the knee, say thou and thee, and keep your hands off me."